Dear You

Dear you,
It's been a little over a year since you've gone. I still couldn't believe it. The pain of losing you is still too raw. The tears of longing for you still welled in my eyes.
Dear you,
You were my whole life. My childhood, my teen, and my adolescent. All of my first, you were there, witnessing, being my partner in crime. My story is your story, and your story is mine.
Dear you,
It's been a little over a year since I last saw you. It was a hunch that brought me there, to your deathbed. Somehow, I knew I was going to have to say goodbye, though I didn't do it. How could I? I gripped tight the tiniest of hope left, encouraging you to fight. But deep inside I repeatedly say, "Go, if you have to."
Dear you,
You left me here. You left me with abundant of beautiful memories. Memories that resurface every now and then, and makes me smile or cry. 
Dear you,
Even though you're no longer here, your place in my heart has been permanently sealed, because no one can fill it but you. Forever, you'll always be half of my soul. And maybe, if I can be an angel on earth like you were, we can meet again, be soulmates again, in a much, much better place.

For you, 08 May 1984 - 03 February 2018

U.N.k.n.o.w.n.

There was the unknown
there but not seen
there but not heard
there but not felt
there but not exist

There was the unknown
walking around aimlessly
reaching about uselessly
gripping hard and slipping away

The unknown is one and will only be one.
Alone in nothingness.
There were never light.
Darkness and silence are the only assurance.

The Unknown

When the world shrank so small into four walls.
When words are meaningless, blurted out just for the sake of saying something.
When promises has no meaning, a cheap consolation full of ingenuity.
When laughter got so hollow, thrown just to fill the quietness.
Sweet dream is even scarier than nightmare, blissfulness that becomes devastation when you're awake. When you realize that every happiness was, indeed, just a dream.
What is worth fighting for has either slowly but firmly taken from your grip, or pulled away from you so fast you can't even think.
The air got thinner and thinner and your breath becomes more shallow every second.
Darkness claims, covering your entire vision, leaving you alone in a place you couldn't even see.
With nothing to help you and no one to save you.
Your only friend is the prayer you constantly whisper to yourself.
Even that may slowly whither away....

Reality Beckoned

There were good days, I think
Leisurely days where we dance and sing
Days where smiling isn't a task
Times when laughter isn't a mask
Moments where happiness is real
When we can actually feel.

If those days exist, I have no recollection
Only thoughts of hesitation
Whether it was there
Or only a mirage in a land that's bare

Dare I not to dream even a second
A different thing reality beckoned
For I see nothing but darkness thick as tar
Something to wish upon from afar
Light I do not know
Happiness is just a distant glow

Never

Life is a constant battle she rarely wins.
Pound and broken, crashed and burned, she was never on the victory end.
She rise above only to let people knocked her out.
She rise above, help people rise higher, only to be knocked down again.
Floundering for help that she never gets.
Screaming for assistance she would never have.
She's running out of steam.
She's devastated.
Soon
She's going to be no more.

A Fairy's Lament

I am a fairy.
Living in an endless night sky.
With a pair of wings as my company.
I travel, not from places to places.
Instead, I wander between clouds.
Stopping is never an option.
For when I stop, all my power vanished,
taken away from me and not to return again.
Along the way I found people, faces.
Either I or them is the passerby, I do not know.
None stay, none come along.
I am a fairy.
Sent to set the stars twinkling,
and go around all over again.
Stopping is never an option.
For once I stop, I ceased of meaning.

A Letter to A Withering Flower

Dear flower,
I know this awful climate has hit you hard. You've stumbled and have been trying to get up but couldn't fully stand on your own yet. I've witnessed how you struggle to keep it together and barely made it.

But how I'm surprised when one day I saw how everything really affects you. It's as if you're losing your roots, ever so slowly, on life. Being thrown to so many rough winds and heavy rains, you feel as if you're alone in a hollow empty world.

I came and shook you. I have to. I couldn't let you drown in an obscure hole in the ground. I couldn't watch you sink without offering you a hand, something to grab on.

Dear flower,
It may seems as if I treat you harshly. But keep in mind that I do it for you and only for your own sake. You're withering, and I need to stop it from drying you up completely. I may offer you a hand, but my goal is for you to stand tall and proud on your own, blooming beautiful flowers all year round regardless of stormy winds and raging hurricane.

Dear flower,
Trouble will never ceased to came by and ruin things. But if you have your root firmly planted to the ground, nothing can shook you off your core. Like everything, this too shall pass. Nothing is destined to be forever. But if you ever feel tired of hanging on to your petals, just know that my hand will always be near. I will only be a holler away.

Alone we can stand tall. Together we can conquer everything.

Selfless Aside

I look around, seeing many in agony.
I lend a hand, I tried to think of a way out.

I look around, seeing many needed help.
I spare some time, tried to ease their burden.

When I look at me, I only ask myself to go for it.
To work extra hard, and relieve those with agony, and help those with burden.
After a time, my mind still on it, but my body gave up.
Then, and only then, I take a good look at myself in the mirror and realise
how I've let myself go.
How little I think of myself. How I've been neglecting my needs.

Now I made a promise, to see myself first before putting others on my view.
All the time of putting myself on the very last line of the list is over.
For now I realize that to take care of others, I need to take care of myself first.
Selfless isn't wrong, but you can't do anything if yourself isn't as strong as your will.

I Never Exist

I'm good at running. Running from my problems. Running from my life.
I'm good at hiding. Hiding from my family, my friends and, basically, the whole world.
I'm good at lying. I never even blink an eye whenever I tell lies.
I'm good at pretending. Pretending that everything's okay when it's absolutely not.
I'm good at denying. Denying my sadness, my anger, my feelings.

I'm good at this and that and a million different things, I'm basically an expert.
But when it comes to love, I'm helpless, I'm powerless and I'm the biggest fool.
Love leaves no space for me to slip in. Love pushed me away every second and made me the only outsider.
I'm incapable of loving and being loved. To love, I never exist.

Dear God

Dear God,
Will you be angry if I tell You that I'm tired?
Life is a struggle, a never-ending battle. But can I, once in a while, give in to fatigue?
I'm not giving up. I'll work hard and harder.
I'm not complaining, but time and time again I found my mind is as exhausted as my body.

Dear God,
Will you be angry if I tell You that I'm tired?
Everything I do is for my loved ones.
Stay true to the words of pray I've told you while in tears.
I am very grateful of all that You gave me.

Dear God,
Will you be angry if I tell You that I'm tired?
It feels like everyone is moving forward, while I'm staying put.
People gone places, while my feet is planted to the ground.
Learning new things while my time stood still.

Dear God,
Will you be angry if I tell You that I'm tired?
I only wish, I only pray for that little bit of change.
A chance, an opportunity to do things for me and me only.
My time to stop looking out the window and just be outside.

Dear God, please don't be angry. All I want is to live my life.

An Unwelcome Memory

You are an unwelcome memory. It was that word that flashed through my mind when I saw your name, when I saw your picture. I was only checking a notification when it happened. One harmless everyday thing that lead me to you. Yes, you.... a thousand of  agonies.
Despite all that, I couldn't stop myself to tap on your name. And I saw how you've become. Almost fifteen years in the dark, and now I saw you again. You were pretty much the same. Almost identical with the old you, only with a few deeper lines here and there. Your smile is still the way I remembered it, not that I want to remember it. You're still....
Stop. I need to stop. I couldn't afford to open the door to a locked past. I can't let the flood rushed in, knocking me down to a pit of what ended with tears and heartache. Such long history between us, twenty two years, but the pain feels a lot longer than that.
For some reason, now you keep popping up. Every single story of mine bear your name. It's as if you're stealing glances of how I am today.
Stop. I need you to stop. Before you penetrate my dreams by force and left me unhinged once more. Before you struck a blow to a peaceful life I've been guarding so carefully.
Right now I only want you to be, I only need you to be, an unwelcome memory.

-IG of T-

Good vs Evil

Can we make mistakes without being aware of it?
Out of the blue taking the hit?

Trying to live life as someone good, nice, kind
might no longer be enough
People now play a game of mind
and the loser had it rough.

Evil is a real deal.
It makes people incapable to feel.
When greedy has consume.
They won't even blink in causing gloom.

Is being generous out of date?
Do we have to be all suspicious and planting hate?
Because if evil is not an illusion.
Should we live in a world where kindness is on a brink of extinction?

The Great Pretender

I have a book full of stories. Filled with smile, laughter, tears, sadness. All my life, not even once have I let anyone take a peak, let-alone read through the pages.
I have live my whole life as two very different person. One for everyone to see, and one only for myself to keep. No matter how kind someone is to me, I've never let them know what is really going on inside.
Through the years I've learn to masked my sadness with anger. Through the years I have learn to concealed my tears in a smile. I can laugh while crying inside. I can smile while being stabbed and bleed to death.
You can say that, just like the famous old song, I am the great pretender. Nothing shows, nothing came through. I will remain a mystery to everyone.
I have often asked myself: "Why?"
I have often find an answer: "I'm scared and I'm scarred."
Once, I've shown my true self to another soul. I let everything float on the surface with hopes that they'd understand, that they'd be my rock through it all. But I only got everything thrown right back at me. Saw them cowered with fear, sneer with disgust and mock with pity. The shock of my life it was. From then on, I have sworn to myself not to repeat the same mistake again. Not to be persuaded by anything ever again.
Yes, call me a great pretender. Look in my eyes and you won't see what's true and what's not. For I will forever remain a mystery.

Secretly

I look at you, secretly.
Your face, your smile, your heart of gold shining through.

I listen to you, secretly.
The way you talk, the way you laugh, even the sound of you breathing.

I dream of you, secretly.
Sweet, romantic, out of this world episodes.

I befriended time, to wait for you to look my way.
I befriended chance, for you to see me as I am.
I want to let it out, but I can't.
I never knew how.
All those things I'm afraid you'll never know,
Cos I love you, secretly.

Layered

A person is like layered cake. Sometimes they look so delectable, with fluffy white frosting, glistening red strawberries and colorful sprinkles. However, inside, the may hide the most bitter chocolate cake ever. Or the blackest burned cake ever. Or it grows fungus that can possibly harm you.  

A person is like layered cake. They can look unappetizing. Messy frosting, dull strawberries and broken sprinkles. But once you get a taste of it, it has the most moist cake ever. The sweetness of the fruits is just right. The cream is light and delicious. The sprinkles are tutti-fruity.  

It's an old saying, but it's almost always true. You can't really judge someone out of their outer layer. A person can have the prettiest, most handsome exterior, but has a heart of evil. A person can look so composed and happy, but hides the most tragic stories. A person can look so haggard and battered, but posses a heart of gold. 

Look through their masquerade, straight through their heart. See how they interact with someone inferior than they are. Observe how the treat elders. Then, you'll see what a person is really made off. Then, you won't regret a single judgment formed in your mind. 

♥

Why do I have a heart? Unlike others, every beat of my heart is a sharp thrust, stabbing me over and over again. A heart should be your source of life. Mine? It's a source of pain.

I remember when the thought came into mind. It was when I saw your face as you look at her. When I hear your voice as you said goodnight to her. When I saw your eyes that twinkles at mere sight of her. When I hear you laugh at the most ordinary things she said.

From that day on, I started to curse the existence of my heart. I started to despise the amount of love it has, because it came with an even bigger amount of hurt and ended with the biggest amount of hatred.

I've tried to find a cure, something to heal or to fix this devastating condition. But it's as if I'm living a groundhog day. Every time my heart swells with love, soaring through the sky of happiness, it always came crushing down, pound and broken and not salvageable. No cure, nothing, can heal or fix it, let-alone make it whole again.

Today, I'm living each day holding my battered heart. Praying for a different day, a different outcome. Hoping for someone who've seen how my heart is but accept it anyway. Hoping for someone kind enough not to break it. Hoping for someone strong enough to protect it. Hoping that... somewhere out there... that someone exists.

Sometimes

Sometimes
at the end of the day I want to say "I'm tired."
But, no, I couldn't.
I have no right to complain.

Sometimes
when everything gets too tough I want to say "help me."
But, no, I couldn't.
I don't deserve any help.

At the dead of night, at my most fragile moment,
I'll allow myself to cry and feel the pain that's overwhelming my heart,
clenching my chest and sob away.

Though when the sun arise I have to put my bravest face on.
I'll stood tall for everyone to see that I'm up for whatever challenge.
And let them be oblivious of the little girl inside, crowing with fear.

Living is hard enough without being weak.
Had to walk headlong into a storm without direction nor guidance.
Therefore, I'll allow the tears sometimes.
Only sometimes.

Used To Tears

I said I don't want to see you.
I said I got more important things to do.
I fooled you, didn't I?

I said I don't care.
I said I can bear.
I fooled you, didn't I?

I said I don't love you.
I said everything isn't true.
I fooled you, didn't I?

The truth struggling to break free, wanted so bad to reach you.
These eyes trying to make me see, that all I ever wanted is you.
But something shackled me, clouding my mind.
A thing called fear of being brokenhearted and left behind.

If you can't see through it all,
I'm fine to take the fall.
Because despite the fears,
I've gotten so used to tears.

Gary Barlow - Dying Inside

The Dark Side of the Moon

Look at me, and what do you see?

Someone who's carefree, relax, without a care in the world.

Behind closed door it was the very opposite.

I'm heart-broken and sad.

Do you see me smiling?

A warm and sweet smile from the heart.

Away from prying eyes I cried,

I'm hurt and dying inside.

That cheerful voice you hear?

Is a mere facade.

Because every time darkness descends,

I'm crying myself to sleep every night.

My heart is the dark side of the moon.

Everything you will see is only the surface.

There's a part of me that will be forever hidden.

A part that isn't known to any soul.

I tried my best not to be noticed.

Putting a veil to my truest feelings and emotions.

For me and my heart and my mind and my life

No one but me who truly cares. 

Dying Inside - Gary Barlow

...

"Is the world really beautiful?" she asks.

"Of course. If you only see it that way, you will see that the world really is beautiful."

She thought deeply. "I was told about it many, many times. But how come I could never, not even once, see it that way? For the world I know is the world of sadness, loneliness, and emptiness. The world who is always against me, where nothing is on my side and nothing is right."

...

"Are we really worthy of something?" she asks.

"Of course. If you only love yourself, you'll see that you are worthy of everything. You are priceless."

She thought deeply. "I got scolded for being worthless and useless so many times to count. People call me names, bad ones, and laugh at my face. They compared me with others and said that I'm lacking. That I lack everything. I was treated as if I'm nothing."

...

"Is love for everybody?" she asks.

"Of course. Love comes for everyone. In every heart love always lives."

She thought deeply. "I guess I miss out on it. Because I don't feel it, I don't know how it is and I don't know what it is. I'm not even sure I have a heart nor feelings, no such things in me. In a place where heart lies, I only have a hollow black pit."

...