Words Among Tears - 2

Friday, March 20, 2007

What's it like for them? Waiting anxiously through the week, jumping for joy when Friday finally arrives? There's always something that they're looking forward to. Children, siblings, parents... boyfriend. 
It must be nice to be one of them....

I read the lines over and over again. I still remember how Triste always looks different on Fridays. Her expression is in full contrast with our other workmates. They were always full of energy on Friday, especially in the afternoon, a few hours away from a long weekend. But Triste, no... she never joins them. She would sit gloomily in front of her computer, editing those words in silent.

"I'm going to this new cafe opening tonight. Care to join me?" I asked.
"No. No, thanks. I've got tons of work to do, really." Answered Triste.
"Come on... it's Friday."
"Why does Friday have to be different with any other day?" She looked at me with an undefinable look in her eyes.
"Uhm... OK then." I got speechless.

After several times of fruitless effort in getting her to join the fun, me and the other workmates finally decided to stop asking her out at all. We thought we did the right thing, but after reading the next few pages of her diary, we knew we were dead wrong....

Words Among Tears - 1

It's not crying, for me smiling is more painful.
When I smile cheerfully, yet I actually feel empty inside, broken and sad.

In the presence of love, I fell helpless, scared. 
Whenever I realize the faintest spark of love that starts to grow, I'm terrified. 
Why don't I?
For everytime I succumb to it, I was always the one that's crushed in the end, left behind and being forget about.

The absence of love keeps cutting fresh wounds to an already bruised and battered heart.  
Dreaming... hallucinating... is the best I can do.

I let my imagination gets the best of me, just to run away from all my pain. To blurred my vision of the reality, to obscure the sad truth about my life.

I can survive until this day... but forever's a time too long to go through pound and broken like this....



That is the last page ever written in Triste's diary.  Today, 5 years from the date written above the page, the woman's whereabouts is still a mystery. Not a soul know what had happened to her, where she's gone to or what she meant by the sad words blotched with tears.

For you to know who this woman I'm talking about, you need to take a look from the beginning of her diary pages.

Forever Dream

I'm tired...
Going from day to day, knowing that nothing in this world is in my favour.
I'm tired...
Waking up to the sun, knowing that it's just another day of me with only myself.
I'm tired...
Walking around, knowing that it's just gonna be me against the world.
I'm tired...
Crying my heart out, knowing that I've always been deprived of hope.
I'm tired...
Clutching this pain, knowing that I can never have what I long for.
I'm tired...
So let me just close my eyes and dream.
For in my dream I'm save from all harm, no tears for me to cry, no pain for me to feel.
If a dream can remove this tiredness I've always feel, then let me forever dream....

Stop!

Cold wind seems to seep through my bone
I feel so lost
My heart turns to stone
Whenever I see the journal you post

You seem so eager to devour the world
Conquer every corner of the unknown universe
A free soul....

I'm too afraid to look into me
Scared to find that I might feel
Over something that's so unreal
As vague as the distant stars I couldn't really see

Stop!
I ordered myself to stop
This cannot go on
I know that I'm just a sad lovelorn

I wrote this in tears
For not willing to overcome my fears
For not willing to move on
From something I've lost for so long

Good and Evil

We live in a world of twos
There's dark, but along with it, there's always light
There's evil, but to fight against it, there's always good

Some think that darkness must never exist in any kind
But what they're forgetting is that there will always be nightfall after the sun sets in
Some think that darkness must never come too close to light
But what they're forgetting is that there can be eclipses that stand in between them and the light, even for a few seconds at a time

The world doesn't work that way
It needs balance
See that no matter how hard the good fights against evil, with every evil destroyed, another emerges?
It's the balance of the universe
But fighting evil with good brings out the good things, good ends to one event
Fighting evil with evil will only let you stoop to its level and wiped away the good in you

God wouldn't create evil for nothing
God created evil so we can see things we shouldn't do
Evil exists to remind us of the darkness that will blinded us if we shift to its path
For you to never see evil
You will never know what good is all about

Closure (6)

You said that you'll never let go. You said that you'll NEVER let go. She said it over and over again in her sleep. She was dreaming the same nightmare again. A nightmare where she walked alone after all the girls left with the guys who brought them an umbrella, shielding them from the rain. She desperately tried to find a place to avoid the rain from soaking her clothes wet even more. But there were no way to go.
Then, suddenly, she reached the part that she had never seen before. She kept on walking until she could see an intersection. From the distance, she noticed that someone was standing there. The closer she got the more she could see that the person standing there was him. Her love... her life... With a red umbrella in hand, he appeared to held one hand out to her. She started running towards him as she shouted, You said that you'll never let go, over and over again. When her hand was just a few inches from him, she woke up, panting, sweating, crying.
Reality suddenly hit her. It was not him that had let go, it was her. As the revelation seeped through her mind, she sobbed. All this time... it was really me... it was I who let go... it was my mistake...
After an hour, she stopped crying. A faint smile on her face. She walked to the window of her bedroom. Despite the heavy rain, she opened the window and stared blankly ahead. Don't worry, honey, I'll make it up to you. Don't worry, this time, I won't let go. And with that she jumped out of the window. Her body slammed to the street below. The water that surrounds her suddenly turned dark red. Her body was lifeless, but her smile was still there.

Along came a man, with a red umbrella in one hand, and another hand held out towards her. 'I'm here, honey, I'm always here. Come, let us go home.'

Closure (5)

It was a gloomy Sunday afternoon. She was walking alone, not really sure where to go. She just needed to get out from the suffocating walls of her apartment. As she was getting closer to a busy intersection, light shower started to fall from the sky. Don't have any umbrella. Not like it matters. With her thought elsewhere, she kept walking until, suddenly...
A loud crash. Metals twisted. Glass breaks. People shouting.
She stopped dead on her track. Stupefy in front of the scene of a traffic accident. But there was something else that made her heart drummed and her vision blurred. She was reliving her terror. The most dreadful day in the history of her life...

Rain had stopped a few hours ago, but the sun didn't seem to care to show up. The sky 4 p.m. sky was almost as dark as dusk. They were walking home together after a Sunday lunch. They were walking hand in hand, all smile. Anyone can see how in love they were, how they adore each other. 'I love you,' she said. 'I love you more,' he said. 'I don't want to be apart from you,' she said. 'Don't worry, honey, I'll never let go of your hand.' he said.
Suddenly, the sky opened up and rain poured down on them. They both ran and found a canopy to shield them from the rain. 'You wait here, I'll go and get us a taxi.' he said. 'No, let's just wait until the rain stops.' she said. 'Honey, the sooner we get home, the better. The rain isn't going to stop anytime soon, trust me.' he said. But, not sure why, she didn't want to let him go. She held tight to his hands. He smiled at her, a reassuring smile, and motion for her to let go of his hand. She had her grip loosen just a bit. He let go and ran towards the intersection to hail a taxi. She muttered, 'But you said you'll never let go...' when suddenly there were a loud shriek of car stopping suddenly, the sound of glass breaking, and people screaming. She ran towards the intersection. There he was, laying on the ground. He was still smiling, but it was a lifeless smile by then. There were pools of blood surrounding his head. His body laid still in a twisted pose on the wet asphalt. She couldn't scream. She couldn't say his name. She couldn't cry. It was a sight that left her empty. She felt nothing but emptiness. 

A hand touched her shoulder brought her back to reality. 'Are you okay, Miss?' asked an elderly woman. She managed a nod, although she was not sure whether she's okay or whether she can be okay. She ran home, slammed the door and sit motionless on her living room couch. I remember... she muttered. I remember.... That day, exactly one year ago, was the day when her nightmare sequences started. That day, exactly one year ago, was the day when her life stopped. That day, exactly one year ago, was the day she lost him. 

Closure (4)

I used to laugh. I used to love. I used to live.
I used to look at the world in colorful tones. The bright blue sky, the fresh green trees, the pretty red roses. 
I used to hear the melody of life. Birds chirping, children laughing, people singing.

Now the world has gone all but black and white.
All the color fades into yesterday.

Now the world has gone mute.
No singing tunes and no ringing laughter.

It all starts with you.
It all ends because of you.

Now, everything about you is a scar, my scar.
Carved deep in my flesh.

At times, it still bleeding.
At times, it still hurts. 

You left so abruptly and leave me cold.
And now, living life feels nothing but that, cold.


Her pen hovered over her diary page. She could no longer write. All she could do right then, is cry....  

Closure (3)

The dream haunted her more than she thought it would. A friend asked, "What's wrong?". I'm okay, was her answer. "You look so distant." another question. I just didn't get a goodnight sleep, that's all. It's true. Although she wouldn't mention why. The truth was, her nightmare sessions seemed to eat her up inside. There was a hollow empty space that she never knew existed inside her heart. A hollow empty space she never knew starting to develop inside her heart. A hollow empty space that sucked her happiness right out of her. I know that I have been lonely all this time, but I've never felt this empty before. Never.... She suddenly ran to the back of her office, entered one of the toilet booth and shocked at the feeling of her fingers that touched the wet streak of tears down her cheeks. What is this? What is this feeling? That was the tenth time for these past few months that she had done the exact same thing. Burst into tears all of a sudden at people's questions of her feelings or condition. Her hands trembling. Her breath seemed to be caught in her chest. She choked and started to sob. Ten minutes had passed. Her tears had stopped. She took a deep, deep breath and wipe away the remaining of tears on her cheeks. I'm okay. I'm fine. She stepped out of the booth and look into the mirror on top of the counter. She straightened her body and walk out of the toilet as if nothing happened. No one has ever saw her cry. And no one ever will....

Closure (2)

She opened her eyes, but it stared blankly. A few seconds later, her mind cleared up and she blinked her eyes and shook her head several times, as if to shake off the nightmare she just had. 'Why did I see that scene again?', she said to herself. 'Why?', she said again. She could feel the tears, but her eyes were dry. She could feel her throat choked, but she breathed normally. She could feel her hands shaking, but it stood still. Although she was awake, but her mind seemed to held her captive in the scene of the nightmare.
There she was, sitting alone on her bedside in her bedroom. It was only twelve minutes past midnight, but she didn't want to go back to sleep. For if she did, the nightmare will come again... it will come again....

Closure (1)

Walking along the street, suddenly rain poured down on her. With no umbrella in hand, she ran while covering the top of her head with her hands. Suddenly, she stopped. She slowly take a look around her. The girls that, before the rain, walked alone just like here were now accompanied by men, out of nowhere, holding an umbrella for them. They then walk together, all smiles. Five minutes past, she realized that she was the only one alone. She frantically and desperately search for her savior, her man, but she found nothing. Nothing.

Kiss Me, Good Night

I love my night time. It's so peaceful, nothing can disturb me from enjoying the moment.
Further in the night, it gets quite. I can hear the little voice my heart says.
The night allows me to think, to reflect on things that has happened in my life.
The night also gives me time to feel the pain, to shed the tears I don't want a soul to see. I am human, I feel pain, I lose hope, but I don't want people to see me in a weak state of mind. Let the deepest corner of my heart stays in shadow from other people's view. I should be the one who knows myself better than anyone. And for that, I need my night.


Sometimes, I stay up way into the night, linger until morning is due to come. Wishing I could find a peace of mind, something I could never have although the sun shines so cheerfully atop my head.Wishing that if I do not surrender to my sleep, every pain will go away, every tears will dry out and every problem will be taken care of. Hoping that maybe if I stay awake, the sun will grant me more time and tomorrow ceased being only a day away. Yes, at times I do desperately try to hold on to the night. Because a new day can be frightening, not knowing what else I would have to face.

And then, although the night only speak the language of silence, I can hear its words of comfort, putting me at ease. Slowly drifts myself to sleep, in a soft voiceless lullaby.
-kiss me, good night-

You...

I dream a thousand dreams,
reliving a thousand memories,
but I can never see your face...

I feel the warmth of your embrace,
I hear the tone of your laughter,
but no matter how I try,
I can never see your face...

An object of my imagination,
or were you an image of someone real
I couldn't tell
cos I can never see your face...

Come to me once more
and let me see not only shadow
I want to see your face
the one that brightens the hours of my dreams.

Last Night....

I can see you
vaguely, through the heavy mist
I can feel you
the warmth that seeps through my veins
I can hear you
calling my name, laughing so melodiously
so much love...so much happiness

then...
desperately trying to cling on to that moment
I wake up
all the laughter, all the joy
disappear into the darkness that surrounds me
I look around in panic
I can see no one but myself

if it was only a dream,
if it was only in my imagination,
how come it feels so real?
how come it feels so real?

I Sit There....

as the darkness creeps slowly in the midnight sky
the cold wind whispers the solemn words of lullaby

I sit there...
reliving every moment, every second of your presence
it's as if you're never gone
it's as if you never say goodbye

your voice when you say you miss me
the sparkle in your eyes as you look at me
the smile on your face as you greet me
oh, how I can see it all ever so clearly

you said you'll always be my pillar of strength
guide me through the painful road of life
hold my hand when I long for comfort
oh, I can see rainbow in you after every storm

as the morning dew seeps through the air
the sun gently kiss the moon goodbye

I sit there...
clutching to your image that slowly fades away

Cowardy, Cowardy Custard!

Dear you,
Hey, you! It's been so long since the last time I saw you. Was it nine, ten years? It came to my surprise that you're in Facebook. Was it you or was it me who click the add friend button first? Never mind, we're friends now.
Hey, you! I remember you from way back. When we were wearing white and navy blue. You moved into town one day and caused a stir, do you know that? Some said that you're the cool guy from out of town. To tell you the truth, I was kind of intrigued by the rumors. So, one day, I decided to go to your class and see it for myself. I thought: 'well, he's OK.'
Hey, you! We were once on the same competition, weren't we? I remember how surprised I was when I read your writing. For a high school student, your English was, by far, the best I have ever seen! And I wonder why you didn't come out as the winner.
Hey, you! Honestly, I don't know why, but you stopped by in my dreams a couple of times. I am so embarrassed to admit this, but it's true. Beats me, I don't know why it happened. And, knowing how I am, I knew that this is going to happen. I, sort of, been thinking of you these past few days. I want to start a conversation with you, but I have no idea what it will be about. And you look so out of reach, so smart, so civilized.
Hey, you! I just want to say... Hi!

SEND MESSAGE
...
...
No... I shouldn't.

SAVE DRAFT
...
...

No... Why should I?

DELETE MESSAGE
...
...
There... That's better.

Tears of the Lone Star

you are the sun to my star
your light shines upon me
but I could never reach you...

you surrounds yourself with beauty
not a second you realize
the single lone star watching from afar...

impossible for us to be side by side
for if we are
we're doomed to the end of time....